Abtastic Britters and the Hair Oracle

9 05 2007

Not entirely relevant to my topic but hilarious none the less.

from SMH May 3, 2007

Family feud can’t bruise the new, abtastic Britney
Jacqueline Maley
May 3 2007

BRITNEY’S SPEARS’S “people” must be among the busiest “people” in the world.

They put out more public relations grassfires than the Rural Fire Service in January and they are constantly confiscating her drinks and children (often she has one in each hand). Now they are forced to manage the fallout of an ugly intra-family war that makes Joan Crawford’s brood look like the Waltons.

According to this week’s gossip mags, the pop star has been disowned by her family, although Britney herself would only be aware of this if she reads the New York Post, to whom her mother and father released a statement admonishing their daughter. They say she is out of control, a bad mother to her two young sons.

To be sure, such Britney slander is hard to countenance, and would be impossible to believe were it not for Woman’s Day, which gives us a sort of Britney timeline in pictures. It confirms she has not been seen with her children since February 13, and that Britney’s dress sense has not been improved since her stint in rehab. (Mind you, who says you need trousers to stay sober?)

Britney’s riposte comes, rightfully, in OK!, which seems to have entirely reprinted a press release supplied by her “people”. The mag says that “Britney is back to her fighting weight” and is “taking control” after months of uncertainty. The mag even alleges Britters is looking “abtastic”, which is an adjective that could probably have gone without being invented.

OK!‘s services to journalism do not end there. Next comes an interview and photo shoot with David Beckham. Becks has been the subject of a stream of negative articles since he announced he was leaving Europe to play for a Los Angeles football team.

The knockers say that going to the US to play soccer is rather like going to Germany to salsa dance, and that Becks is only doing it for the outlandishly huge amounts of money. That is not all.

There have also been stories about the fragility of his marriage to dear Victoria, who fears calories the way the most of us fear death or dark cellars. It has even been whispered that they sleep in separate beds.

Enter OK! to counter the bad press in a long and saliva-soaked article that hails David as “everything we want in a hero – he’s one of the world’s greatest sportsmen, has looks, style and charisma in spades, and he’s a doting husband and dad”. He is also labelled a “hair oracle”, which is presumably meant as a compliment.

The magazine talks mostly about his hair, but does find time to devote a few sentences to his football career – assuring readers that “although [Beckham’s Los Angeles move] is probably the biggest deal a footballer has ever signed, David is at pains to stress cash isn’t his motivation”.

The hair oracle just wants to make a difference, to spread the gift of soccer to the hitherto soccer-deprived population of Los Angeles. He is like the Angelina Jolie of ball sports. But with better hair.

Also in the mag is an interview with Mel B, aka Scary Spice, who had been largely ignored by the world until she was impregnated by the comedian Eddie Murphy. He then dumped her during a television interview and expressed scepticism over the paternity of the baby. It’s basically your Liz Hurley/Steve Bing plotline redux.

Scary Spice has now had the baby, a girl, and the obligatory gushing photo shoot has been duly shot, although this time with a “Dear God, I hope the father of my poor bastard-child sees this and gives me a chunk of his sizeable fortune”-twist.

As a form of passive-aggressive gossip-mag communication, it is both bold and beautiful. Britney’s people should take note.

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